Ask WizArd

When I'm with a group of people and someone says something that's offensive or rude, I never know what to say. How can I respond effectively in this situation? I’d like to be able to say something, but always seem to find myself tongue-tied. I don’t like just standing there as though it’s okay.

Most of us have, at one time or another, found ourselves in a group setting where an individual says something offensive. It's easy to feel conflicted in these situations - when what we'd really like to be is courageous or compelling. It's hard to know what to say, if anything. The problem with silence, as you have seen for yourself, is that it makes you seem like a silent supporter of what's been said. Yet, if you speak up, you're likely to feel rude or hurtful for correcting another adult, in front of his or her peers.

You can learn how to speak up, even when it’s uncomfortable to do so, using Positive Power™ Communication Skills:

1. Get clear about your objectives, which probably include: Stating that you do not support or agree with what was just said, reducing tension in the group and helping the offensive individual to see that saying this is not acceptable, appropriate or constructive.

2. Determine the tone and the Positive Power Level™ you want to use. Both choices will most likely depend upon the degree of the comment's offensiveness, the frequency with which this individual speaks offensively and the level of power the offender has used.

3. Choose your Positive Power Line. Here are a few that can defuse or turn around these uncomfortable scenes:

Excuse me???? (with a great deal of inflection)
Maybe you'd like to reconsider what you just said.
I'm not comfortable with those words, or the thoughts behind them.
I'm sure you didn't mean that the way it sounded.
You may not have intended to offend me, but I found what you said to be very offensive.
What makes you think a woman (or whatever group is stereotyped by the comments) would want to be talked about (to) in that way?
I'm sure you didn't mean to (insult, offend, hurt) me, but
I found your remark to be extremely rude.
Can you admit that what you just said is inappropriate at best?
Are you aware of the ways in which your remark is disrespectful to ....?
Do you realize that your joke is cruel and offensive?

This isn't easy. It requires you to risk further discomfort. You will be moving the spotlight from the offensive individual to yourself. That's why being prepared is vital. Positive Power Lines™ will give you the confidence of knowing what to say to make your point, while using only the amount of power needed. And most important of all, they help you to prevent stereotypes and biases from standing unchallenged.

There is good news: After guiding many hundreds of people through my various diversity programs, I can attest to the fact that most people are well-meaning and try not to offend or hurt others. Usually, those who make these remarks are simply "naive" offenders. They either misspeak or they genuinely don't realize that they are being offensive. You can now be the teacher who comes in the moment when they need to learn a new way to communicate.

There are several habits I want to change - three positive goals I want to work on. Every time I get started on making these changes, I end up giving up on them. It’s so hard to change! How can I make change easier?

This is difficult for everyone. There are so many aspects of making changes. A friend of mine recently said that the very act of making a change permanently changes our identity! It changes who we are. We’ve been the person we are for so long (some of us longer than others!) that everything within us conspires to hold onto that old identity.

Too often today the focus is on making big changes. It's exciting to hear of big things that happen fast - someone winning the lottery, becoming an "overnight success," or putting money in a risky investment and getting rich. It's easy to overlook the slow, steady approach of saving $180 a month, at 10% for 40 years, to retire with a million dollars. And most often, those who create truly successful lives are those who master the little things. Lasting, meaningful outcomes in life or business rarely result from rapid, big changes.

When setting out on a long journey to a distant destination, if you're just a few inches off course, you'll end up miles from your target. This is also true for each of us as we navigate our journey through life. And it's the reason why even small changes can have a big impact on whether we meet or miss our objectives and goals. A little change will make a big difference.

We think of change as an action, however, behavioral experts say that action is just one step in the process that brings about lasting, sustainable change.

To change you must:

Desire the results of the change
Develop an action plan
DO IT! (this is where discipline and action are key)
Dig in (to maintain the change)

1. Desire:

We know that for someone to change they must want to change. We're often quite comfortable with how things are and though we might think we'd like to make a change, it's not really a big deal if we don't. This is why it's vital to have a clear vision of why this change is important to you. If you can't list the most compelling reasons for putting time, focus and energy into your change, you might have the motivation to begin (that's usually exciting and easy) but you won't have the fuel to sustain your efforts. Even small changes are tough and they feel uncomfortable (try wearing your watch on your other wrist for a few minutes). Habits are where we find comfort and ease.

Too often people move from the desire step to the action step without grounding themselves in why they want to make the change. Getting rid of resistance to change requires time spent getting clear about the compelling reasons why you want to make the change. List all your reasons for changing.

2. Develop an action plan:

How is this change process going to fit into your already packed schedule? Or will the change make room for new and exciting work? What changes might you need to make in your environment to support your efforts? How will you remind yourself to continue the change, once it's begun?

If you're adding a new behavior, something must move to make room for the new behavior, action or approach. When giving up an old habit, the time this habit filled needs to be filled with something else––something more positive (meditation, exercise or more sleep, perhaps) or something goal-related (taking classes, reading or networking). Can you give up something you've done that's proven ineffective? Should you post reminders in key places to keep this in the forefront of your thinking? Write up a plan.

3. Do it!

This is where most action-oriented people begin, without taking time on the first two steps. Make yourself do what you've determined you need to do differently. Experts once said that habits take 21 days to become ingrained. Most of us realize that it takes far longer and that it's easy to fall back into old patterns of behavior. Which leads to the final step in this four-step process:

4. Dig in:

Maintain your motivation for the change and for what it can bring to your life and work. Encourage yourself with positive self-talk, record your feelings about the change in a journal, talk to supportive colleagues and friends, celebrate the change, reward yourself, and do anything else that helps you to continue in this new way.

A terrific book on making significant change is: Changing for Good by James O. Prochaska, Ph.D; John C. Norcross, Ph.D; and Carlo C. Diclemente, Ph.D. Though their work is focused on helping smokers and substance-abusers, their approach to change is applicable to everyone. The process of change I've outlined is loosely patterned after their approach, combined with other ideas on change I've studied over the years.

Avoid tackling other changes at this time. Stay focused on just this one.

Please email to let me know how your change process is going. Best of luck to you!

I’m a business owner and one of my managers continually comes to me with problems. Do you have any suggestions on coaching this manager to not continually see problems as negatives and to work through more of these himself without always coming to me?

I’ve heard of leaders who keep a sign on their desks saying: DBMP-BMS (Don’t Bring Me Problems-Bring Me Solutions) though I think that needs to be balanced with some oversight by the leader. You don’t want to go the extreme where your team members think they should tackle everything on their own and become reluctant to ever ask you a question.

Here are a few tactics to use in coaching this manager. He or she needs to be taught that:

You can't leverage problems to gain the maximum from them, unless you can see them as opportunities. Focusing too much on just the problem leads to worry, stress and "catastrophizing" - fertilizing the problem, attaching it to unrelated problems and agonizing over how much worse things can get.

Focusing on opportunities frees your mind, reduces stress and can help you see potential solutions you might otherwise miss. If you fail to see the opportunities in a problem, you may miss the best, most effective solution for the long-term.

Ask yourself:

How often do I find myself focused on, dealing with or talking about problems?
How often do I find myself focused on, dealing with or talking about opportunities?
When an employee makes a mistake is it an opportunity to teach or coach them?
When a customer brings me a problem, is it a chance to cement the relationship with the customer and learn more about the product or service I provide?
When a project takes more time than anticipated, is it a learning experience that will inform my next project management strategy?

1. Expect problems – they're supposed to occur.
"Problems come with change, change is a necessary characteristic of growth, and no company ever maintained peak performance without changing. Rejoice. Without problems you'd be dead. The trick is to have the right problems." Ichak Adizes, author of "You've Got Problems? Thank God!"

2. Define the problem and as many of its aspects as you can identify.
"If you are able to state a problem, it can be solved." Edwin H. Land, American inventor.

3. Be aware of any "filters" (perceptions, judgements, assumptions, etc) through which you're looking at the problem. Get feedback from honest, objective colleagues who have a different perspective.

4. Right-size the problem, don't super-size it: How important will this be in five years? Usually you can say, "This is no big deal."

5. Use divergent and convergent thinking: Narrow your focus on the problem, then place it in a larger context to look at the big picture

6. Ask questions of yourself and others involved.

7. As you and your colleagues come up with ideas, capture them, no matter how silly some might seem.

8. Step back from the problem on occasion to allow your subconscious mind some time and space to work on it.. Take a walk, work on something else, listen to music, meditate – do something to get your conscious mind off the problem.

9. Use systems thinking as you track the cause of the problem.
"A problem whose cause is understood is half solved." Ron Willingham

10. Apply what you learn to prevent similar problems in the future.

When we allow problems to become opportunities, they help us to grow by prompting us to change. TGFP - Thank Goodness for Problems!

Finally, let’s assume that some of what your employee brings to you are actual problems. I’m sure they’re interesting! So, according to a successful business owner, Paul Hawken, that’s a good thing:

"A good business has interesting problems; a bad business has boring ones. Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them."
Paul Hawken, of Smith & Hawken in Growing a Business

The world is a better place because of those who refuse to believe they cannot fly.
Bill Gray